Oh dear.

I feel sick.  I feel sick in that completely self-inflicted, I want to throw up, I've eaten too much kind of way.

The day started fine with a great, healthy breakfast.  However, when I came home from school I went and took a nap.  I woke up very late, very hungry because it was almost three and I had not eaten since eight that morning.

I ran for tortilla chips, leftover from the Halloween party (unopened) and leftover candy from the game night a few weekends ago. 

I felt so disappointed in myself.  I tried to curb it in I planned on having a lean cuisine for dinner but the candy kept calling me.  Maybe I should have thrown it away, I did throw away the rest of the chips.  I had more candy.

I put it all away, hid it from myself.

Several hours went by and all I could think about was food, specifically how I did not want a lean cuisine for dinner and instead wanted take out.

I tried to control myself.  I paced.  I went for a walk.  I worked on my lecture.  I did some reading.... I tried.

I caved.

I got in my car and went to Whataburger. 

Epic fail.

I ate my meal and now feel sick, not only from the overly full feeling, but also from the frustration of trying and still falling short when it comes to basic self-control.

I know that the key to any kind of permanent weight-loss is to be flexible: some days will look 'perfect' on my food diary while others will look like today.  My nutritionist, Heather, encourages me to be flexible.  In fact I met with her yesterday and she recommended that maybe I don't track my food sometimes, so that it doesn't become obsessive. 

I clearly don't think I'm ready for that.

Okay, so let's be flexible.  Let's chaulk today up to that great teacher, Experience.  Now, I will go into my food diary and plan everything I will eat tomorrow, that way there will be less chance for impulsion.

Things to learn:
Don't wait too long to eat- it will make it more likely to eat anything and everything.
Don't keep chips in the house- I won't be making that mistake anytime soon.
If I want to get takeout maybe I should try two things first: 1) wait an hour 2) eat a meal.  If I still want the take-out even after I eat a meal then I will deal with that later, but maybe this will help me to be more aware if I have some kind of plan.

On my profile it says that I live the life of either a total asectic or completely indulgent.  Today embodies that.