Are there any safe places?

I signed up for a 55 minute Zumba class tonight and I only danced for about 25.

Why? 

Because I ran out of the dance space sobbing. 

All of the sudden I was overcome with anxiety that K's new girlfriend was going to be there.  That she was a member of Art of the Catwalk, or Crossfit.  Suddenly, instead of being in one of my favorite places in Tallahassee I felt incredibly vulnerable.  I looked around the room and there were a few people I didn't know and all I could think was 'is she here?' 

I panicked.  I felt sick to my stomach.

What if his new girlfriend goes to Catwalk or Crossfit?  I only have three or four places I consider completely safe and mine in this town and both of those spaces are in that group.  All of the sudden I was overcome with feelings and thoughts like: is she watching me dancing?  Does she make fun of me?  Does she know about my inability to do backwards somersaults (something I only learned about myself last night) at Crossfit? 

Or worse: do I know her and is she my friend?  I don't know if I could bear it if we already knew each other and we actually liked each other. 

Since the break-up Tallahassee has become a mine-field.  I avoid a lot of places I used to really like because they're on the east end of town, what I consider 'his' side of town.  I haven't gone to Barnaby's in months because I don't want to run into him.  I feel sick to my stomach when I go to Target on that side of town.  Whenever I see his model of car I feel like I got socked in the chest.  I avoid places I might see him because of the awkwardness and pain and also because I don't think I could handle seeing him with another woman (again).

And so I ran out of my favorite Wednesday night class because I was plagued with fear that she was already in that room, that she laughed at me.

Does she read my blog?  Because I think that would be enough of a reason to take it down and move somewhere else.

If you had asked me last Thursday how I was feeling about this entire situation I would have said that I was fine, that while sad, that ultimately I thought I was making real progress in my life and my emotions.  After this weekend?  Not so much.

I just hate that she might be within the places I consider safest and maybe she's laughing at me.

I hate these thoughts, these crippling, horrifying thoughts.  I wish I could turn them off.  I wish I didn't have them in the first place.

I wish I could get some assurance as to where the safe places and whether or not places like Catwalk and Crossfit will remain safe.