December 7, 2011

Are there any safe places?

I signed up for a 55 minute Zumba class tonight and I only danced for about 25.


Because I ran out of the dance space sobbing. 

All of the sudden I was overcome with anxiety that K's new girlfriend was going to be there.  That she was a member of Art of the Catwalk, or Crossfit.  Suddenly, instead of being in one of my favorite places in Tallahassee I felt incredibly vulnerable.  I looked around the room and there were a few people I didn't know and all I could think was 'is she here?' 

I panicked.  I felt sick to my stomach.

What if his new girlfriend goes to Catwalk or Crossfit?  I only have three or four places I consider completely safe and mine in this town and both of those spaces are in that group.  All of the sudden I was overcome with feelings and thoughts like: is she watching me dancing?  Does she make fun of me?  Does she know about my inability to do backwards somersaults (something I only learned about myself last night) at Crossfit? 

Or worse: do I know her and is she my friend?  I don't know if I could bear it if we already knew each other and we actually liked each other. 

Since the break-up Tallahassee has become a mine-field.  I avoid a lot of places I used to really like because they're on the east end of town, what I consider 'his' side of town.  I haven't gone to Barnaby's in months because I don't want to run into him.  I feel sick to my stomach when I go to Target on that side of town.  Whenever I see his model of car I feel like I got socked in the chest.  I avoid places I might see him because of the awkwardness and pain and also because I don't think I could handle seeing him with another woman (again).

And so I ran out of my favorite Wednesday night class because I was plagued with fear that she was already in that room, that she laughed at me.

Does she read my blog?  Because I think that would be enough of a reason to take it down and move somewhere else.

If you had asked me last Thursday how I was feeling about this entire situation I would have said that I was fine, that while sad, that ultimately I thought I was making real progress in my life and my emotions.  After this weekend?  Not so much.

I just hate that she might be within the places I consider safest and maybe she's laughing at me.

I hate these thoughts, these crippling, horrifying thoughts.  I wish I could turn them off.  I wish I didn't have them in the first place.

I wish I could get some assurance as to where the safe places and whether or not places like Catwalk and Crossfit will remain safe.


Anonymous said...

That sucks I'm sorry. But you must have been there first, those are your places!

Rebecca said...

its been a while since ive been in that situation but 10 years later and i still avoid my hometown like the plague, just in case..

Christopher said...

I am in a similar spot, so I know how you feel. I hope you can own Tallahassee soon.

Reese's Runner said...

I'm so sorry. That is pure misery. I know what it's like to have your city ruined and tainted like that. You and your fine ass hang in there! It's very shady and inappropriate that he reads your blog. Very shady.