February 2, 2012

Maybe it will get easier to say the more I say it?

Hang tight any possible readers because tonight's post is of a different timbre than other posts in that its application to healthy living is that a healthy mind makes my body better as well.

For fourteen months I've been hanging on to a lot of anger and sadness.  Frustration because of unanswered questions that always created more tears.  Paralyzing heartbrake. 

And so much hurt.  So, so much hurt.  Swallowed and consumed by absolute and unending hurt and capsizing grief.

No amount of speculating about why K did what he did and why his choices were his satisfy my heart.

I felt like something was stolen from me.  Like I was robbed of promises that I believed would actually be fulfilled.  And, as my friend put it (gently), I went into hiding.  Everytime someone knocked on my door or I received an unexpected phone call I thought it would be him, calling to tell me that he'd come to his senses.  That he'd realized what a mistake he'd made and that he wanted to try and repair what he'd broken. 

K will never do that.  First, because K is not the kind of guy who calls and admits wrongs and apologizes when he doesn't need to.  Second, because as frustrated as I am by what he did (to me) I feel that he's certain that he did the right thing.

He's not coming back.  There will be no knock. 

That has to be good for me.

That has to be good for me even if I presently hate it.

My friend encouraged me to pray about it and to change my prayers.  Instead of praying for our relationship to be healed or to feel relief from such sadness she suggested, instead, that I be thankful.  Thankful that God spared me a lifetime of hurt because K isn't right for me.  Thank God for keeping me from someone who wouldn't be able to emotionally satisfy me.  Thank God for letting this man walk away from me now instead of him walking away after there were vows and children and mortgages (either literally walking away or emotionally walking away).  Thank God that this man who kept me at 'arm's length' in regards to his family made a decision that I couldn't but that deep, deep down (I mean, Mariana Trench level) I knew it would happen. 

Thank you Lord for saving me from this.

Maybe it will get easier to say the more I say it?

Thank you Lord for knowing what's best for me even when I hate it.

Thank you Lord for letting him walk away.  Thank you for letting him give up because I just kept trying to give us CPR and it would be no way to live.

Thank you Lord.  Now, please, please help me to come out of hiding.


Beth said...

Unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel. And a year and a half later I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that it was better for him to walk away before the vows and the children and the everything else we had planned. But it's a rough road no doubt.

On a happier note - I love your new picture. You're a beautiful gal!

Christopher said...

I know exactly how you feel, though unfortunately my revelation came after the vows and child. You are right, you are lucky to have escaped the relationship before that stage. Funny enough, we responded the same way: working out and running. For me, it feels like I am trying to outrun and outwork the me of the past that was a failure. I know how ridiculous that may sound to a sane person, but as every one of those failure me's are left behind maybe if I can start to find the me I like. I am not sure if it helps you to hear such things, but I was always heartened by finding people that had gone through it and made it to the other side.