2012!

Check out my red lips.  Are they not the best?

2012 is going to be a good year.  2011 had some great moments including hiking Mt. LeConte, 2 10K races, significant weightloss and maintenance, but 2012 is going to be awesome. 

First, I am having a huge birthday party on the 21st.  If I have to turn 30 (!) then I am going to do it with cake and champagne.  One of the things I want this year is to make my house a place of celebration, entertainment, and hospitality.  I want people to feel welcome here.

Second, I am running the Disney Princess Half Marathon at the end of February.  This is a major goal and I am both nervous and ready for this experience.  It may be the most thrilling experience of  my young life. 

Third, more CrossFit, Yoga, Zumba, and other positive, healthy things.  I have been trying to evaluate the times when I am happiest and it seems that, for now, I am happiest when I am doing these things.  Not only are they fun but they keep me entirely in the moment.  When I am doing CrossFit of Hot Yoga then I can think of nothing else but finishing the workout and meeting the immediate goal of surviving and thriving.  I cannot think of the past 18 months and some of the incredibly hard, hurtful experiences.  I joined CrossFit for weight training and fitness; I did not realize that it would soon become a place of escape too.

Fourth, more weightloss.  On so many levels I feel ready for this but, at the same time, not.  I want, desperately, to be seen as an athlete by myself and others.  I also want to be a vixen, with red lips and Zooey Deschanel bangs.  But, simultaneously, I do not want the attention that comes with weightloss and especially unwanted male attention.  When men admire me, men that I want to admire me, the attention feels nice, flattering, however, when men that are too old, gross, or otherwise less desirable look at me if makes me feel like a victim of consumption.  I hate that I cannot control their own looks at me.  Staying heavy protects me from that.  I'm going to have to find a way to deal with this as it only increases with the more weight I lose. 

Fifth, I want to have more adventures.  I want to climb LeConte again this summer.  I want to swim with manatees.  I want to take an art class or join a book club.  I want to go rock climbing at the Rez.  I want to be someone who does things.

Some of these feel a lot like resolutions, and I suppose they are to some vague extent.  Mostly I just really want 2012 to be more than 2011.  More opportunities, more happiness, more hope.  Less pain, loss, and suffering.