Big, big things.

I haven't had much time to exercise since Saturday's 6 miles.  Tonight I go back to Crossfit (I meant to go yesterday but took a nap).  There are some other things happening though...

This morning I am starting a two week expedition into the Paleo Diet.  My parents had this book and I thought that I would give it a try.  I've had a great experience tracking and counting to lose 50-55 lbs but all semester I've battled the same 5 lbs over and over again so I was looking into something with a bit more structure. 

The Paleo plan is based supposedly on how cavemen ate.  The diet focuses on returning to a way of eating before any kind of organized or purposeful agriculture so things like grains and legumes are out, including dairy.  This means that meat, poultry, fish, nuts, fruits, and veggies are the base of the diet/plan.  I did see that the more you exercise then the more starchy vegetables you have so I can add more things like sweet potatoes and spaghetti squash.   I'm committing to two weeks but I did try to make room for some other things.

First, I have a very big, important birthday on Sunday, New Year's Day.  I am turning 30.  I'm not too excited about it so I am trying to think of ways to celebrate it on New Year's Eve, when I will be by myself.  Everyone I've called is still out of town for the break.  Maybe I'll make myself a roast beef and get a cupcake? 

Second, I can give up drinking milk for two weeks (or indefinately if I decided), I could even give up cheese for long periods, but I cannot give milk up in my morning coffee.  I drank it this morning without any sugar but the idea of black coffee was something I couldn't do. 

I'm interested in seeing how this goes.  For breakfast I had eggs and an apple.  Lunch was turkey, spinach, and a clementine.  Dinner was a New York strip and cherry tomatoes.  I'm thinking about having another apple and some nut butter now that I'm done with CrossFit.  So day 1 is over, let's see how day 2 goes tomorrow.

6 Miles!

Today I ran 6 miles in 1:15 (12:30 mile per average, 30 seconds faster per mile than the Turkey Trot).  Loved it.  Felt strong, quick, and mentally tough.

Next Saturday: 7 miles.  When I think about I remember that scene in Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring where Frodo's friend, Samwise, says 'if I take one more step, I'll be the furthest from home I've ever been.'

7 Miles.

Seven!

I can only barely imagine it.  The Disney Princess Half Marathon is two months away from Monday.  Here's the hopeful schedule of longer runs:

12/31 7 Miles
1/7 8 Miles
1/14 8 Miles
1/21 9 Miles
1/28 9 Miles
2/4 10 Miles
2/11 10 Miles
2/18 8 Miles


February 26th: RACE DAY!

Seriously, it will be here before I know it.

Christmas Miracle

Last night I had a Christmas/end of the semester get together.  I had a great time.  There was food and drink and some really great friends that I've gotten to know better this semester.  I was in the hall, away from all the action and just smiled at all of the commotion.  People laughing, smiling, eating, relaxing, enjoying themselves.  And all of this, all of this was under my roof.

A Christmas miracle, if I do say so myself.

For the past three weeks I've been moping.  Sad from some salt in a wound.  Frustrated by what I felt was a lonely life.  But last night?  Last night there was a community in my living room.  They're not made up of the holiest people but they make me feel appreciated.  They make time for me.  They include me and they are interested in how I am doing, as I am in them.  So while not everything is exactly as I planned there are still some really wonderful things in my life.  Really fantastic.

I mostly feel like myself for the first time in weeks.  I went to Zumba and thought 'dang, how did my hips get so hot.  They're practically magnetic for awesome.'  Or something like that...

So, good-bye Funky Town.  Hello Team Ready for Break,  I've missed you.

Now I'm listening to Muse and entering my students' extra credit.  Their final exam is over (!!!) and graded.  I just have a few papers to enter and grade and then it will be time to submit semester grades. 

Done.  Good-bye to this semester.

Schedule for tomorrow: knit, Sherlock Holmes with J, 5 mile run, finish DIS stuff, do some last minute grading, knit some more.

Fantastic run, well, mostly.

Yesterday was my first longer run since the Turkey Trot 10K on Thanksgiving.  I only ran 4 miles but it felt overall great.  I went up and down Ocala and Tennessee Street.  I felt most fast, keeping my miles around 12:15 to 12:30.  I cannot wait to start getting faster again. 

There was one slight glitch, however.  I went running around 445.  At 3 I ate lunch.  That led to some.... distress.  I actually had to stop at TCBY and use their restroom, something that has never happened before.  The nice girl at the showed pity on me and gave me some water. 

Overall though I felt like the run went very, very well.  I felt light and quick for me.  I also was enjoying running down Tennessee Street.  Usually I head westward, which is mostly a few scattered houses along this main thoroughfare.  This time I headed east and ran by all the little stores like NY Pizza, Burger King and others.  There were a lot more people.  Usually I don't see a lot of people, either on the side walks or in the cars.  This time, because I was headed towards campus, there were students and stop lights where I made eye-contact with a lot of drivers.  I definately felt safe and seen.  I did not count on the stop lights.  I know I lost time standing at the lights or waiting for cars to see me so that I could cross. 

Otherwise, despite some normal, reasonable glitches this was a fantastic run.  I'm going to try for five miles on Thursday or Saturday.  It felt great to stretch my legs.

Mitten Debate! 5 day streak!

Did you know that the states of Wisconsin and Michigan are currently engaged in a mock feud about who is or is not the 'Mitten State'?

This is what I call a 'first world' problem.  Only in first world countries could the major debates be about which looks more like a knitted device for keeping fingers toasty.  Third world countries just wish they had mittens.

In other, more local news (so local it only pertains to me) I am on a five days in a row exercise streak.  I am thinking of making this some kind of New Year's challenge: how many weeks in a row where I can work out six days in a row?

Monday: Zumba and Crossfit

Tuesday: 2 mile jog and Crossfit

Wednesday: most of a Zumba class

Thursday: 3 mile jog and Crossfit

Friday: Crossfit

Saturday (tentative): 4 mile jog

Are there any safe places?

I signed up for a 55 minute Zumba class tonight and I only danced for about 25.

Why? 

Because I ran out of the dance space sobbing. 

All of the sudden I was overcome with anxiety that K's new girlfriend was going to be there.  That she was a member of Art of the Catwalk, or Crossfit.  Suddenly, instead of being in one of my favorite places in Tallahassee I felt incredibly vulnerable.  I looked around the room and there were a few people I didn't know and all I could think was 'is she here?' 

I panicked.  I felt sick to my stomach.

What if his new girlfriend goes to Catwalk or Crossfit?  I only have three or four places I consider completely safe and mine in this town and both of those spaces are in that group.  All of the sudden I was overcome with feelings and thoughts like: is she watching me dancing?  Does she make fun of me?  Does she know about my inability to do backwards somersaults (something I only learned about myself last night) at Crossfit? 

Or worse: do I know her and is she my friend?  I don't know if I could bear it if we already knew each other and we actually liked each other. 

Since the break-up Tallahassee has become a mine-field.  I avoid a lot of places I used to really like because they're on the east end of town, what I consider 'his' side of town.  I haven't gone to Barnaby's in months because I don't want to run into him.  I feel sick to my stomach when I go to Target on that side of town.  Whenever I see his model of car I feel like I got socked in the chest.  I avoid places I might see him because of the awkwardness and pain and also because I don't think I could handle seeing him with another woman (again).

And so I ran out of my favorite Wednesday night class because I was plagued with fear that she was already in that room, that she laughed at me.

Does she read my blog?  Because I think that would be enough of a reason to take it down and move somewhere else.

If you had asked me last Thursday how I was feeling about this entire situation I would have said that I was fine, that while sad, that ultimately I thought I was making real progress in my life and my emotions.  After this weekend?  Not so much.

I just hate that she might be within the places I consider safest and maybe she's laughing at me.

I hate these thoughts, these crippling, horrifying thoughts.  I wish I could turn them off.  I wish I didn't have them in the first place.

I wish I could get some assurance as to where the safe places and whether or not places like Catwalk and Crossfit will remain safe.

Day 1

Expectation is the root of all heartache.

William Shakespeare



Day 1...

Since yesterday.

Trying to hold my life together.

So, in an attempt at good karma and good will I decided to make a list of things I am grateful for today:
1) Knitting.  I am knitting a hot pink pair of leg warmers.  They might be for my 13 year old cousin that goes to an eclectic art school.  They might be for me.... not sure yet.  I do know that I could rock them.

2) Zumba and Zumba friends.  One text was all it took to get some awesome songs,. Light, fluffy pop songs.  Sexy, aggressive songs that allowed me to rock the best parts of my body and feel like a glamorous pin-up from the 1940s. 

3) This is connected to numer 2: my butt.  I've said it before, but I am grateful for my butt.  It is beautiful and perfect and makes me look like a fantastic dancer.  If my butt was flat I wouldn't look nearly so awesome on the dance floor.  My butt also looks great in a pair of work-out capris.

4) My Mt. LeConte shirt.  I am wearing it right now and I love it.  It reminds me that I can accomplish long-term goals.

5) Crossfit.  That class makes me feel like a badass.  Also, when (not if) there is a zombie apocalypse the fact that I am learning to pull my body weight up a twenty-foot rope may be a valuable skill.  Also, everyone there is so nice and supportive.  I love being there.

6) I have some really kind friends.  Really, I've felt like my life was falling apart in the past few days.  I have been so frustrated and angry.  It's a pretty awesome friend that you can call, who comes over without question, and then goes out of their way to comfort you when you bordered on hysterical.  Also, I have had friends reach out to me to check on me, who listen, who offer solace and reprieve from some place very sad and dark. 

7) Other healthy living blogs.  I get a kick out of reading other people's workouts and weight loss victories.  I love seeing the pictures from the Las Vegas RnR half and whole marathons this weekend.

8) Hope.  I am grateful for hope. My prayer for today has been for God to give me His best.  No holding back, let me have the best today.  That in this moment, let me taste the best.  I'm reminded that what was past was not the best.  Not even close.  God gently nudges me, comforting me with an idea that there is something happening.  I also feel that on some level my prayer was answered today.  I had a great afternoon with music and dancing and sprints and burpees and sweat and complete distraction.  It was impossible to think about yesterday while doing burpees and 10 Meter Death Sprints. 

9) Music in general.  When someone is reminded of a trauma, and that is what this is for me, every break-up song was written just for you.  Every inflection of Adele's voice is made for you personally.  You realize that Joan Jett is a sister of experience.  All Pat Benetar lyrics are yours and the Avett Brothers could be your besties.

10) This song in particular.  If you  like Florence, Adele, Christina Perri, Imogen, and the like then you will love Elizaveta as much as I do.  I also find these lyrics to be bitter sweet in a healing kind of way.  Please listen.