January 22, 2014

It feels wasted.

Okay, quick update: 30 laps in the pool and 24.1 miles so far this year with more expected by the end of the week.

I knew I was addicted to the scale.  I knew I checked it everyday, before and after workouts, and after particularly arduous events in the bathroom.

I knew it gave me a sense of elation or devastation when it didn't say what I believed it needed to say.  I knew I was crippling my self-esteem with a machine that was fickle and recorded a 6 oz steak as a 2 pound gain.

I knew these things.

Which is why I had to give up the scale.  I said I will focus on athletic achievements but let me be honest: I thought this effort would lead to weight loss.  I thought that it would magically help me get over the weight loss hurdle I've faced the past 8 months as I floated up and around the same ten pounds.  I also wonder that if 11 months from now if there is no weight loss, will I feel as this year has been a waste?

As far as my weight is concerned I've always been really proud of the fact that for almost 6 years no I've maintained a 50-60 pound weight loss.  But I've never gone much further because I'll stop working out or stop tracking my eating or whatever and gain back ten pounds and then spend the next two months losing those again.  Right after the wedding I made some new progress but now I'm back up to right about where I was when Brandon and I got married.

So, not weighing myself has not changed my eating habits because it just hasn't.  I'm hungry, I eat.  I try to eat Paleo but I struggle to be consistent and to eat well in social settings and to not binge and I eat because I just love food!

So, I titled this post 'It feels wasted' because without the affirmation of the scale most of my athletic efforts and achievements feel inconsequential.  Who cares if I can lift 165 lbs 36 times if my pants are not a bit smaller for the effort?  Yes, I can now jump 12.5 inches but my stomach looks the same size so why does it matter?

Earlier this month Brandon and I took before pictures and I took a body fat measurement at my CrossFit box.  I hope that by February I (and you) and can tell a real difference.  I hope that I am faster and stronger but also smaller and I am being frankly honest about the real goal of my goals.  I hope that throughout the year, as the weight comes off, I can move away from tying so much to my body size, but if my body doesn't change I wonder if I will feel like this experiment was even worth doing?

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