May 25, 2011

But I'm fat....

As a heavy person I often let the heaviness of being fat determine my mood and attitude.  Whenever I am facing major issues of self-doubt the phrase 'but I'm fat' always makes a major appearance.  It's amazing how many accomplishments the phrase 'but I'm fat' negates.

I have a Master's Degree.... but I'm fat.
I'm a very good teacher.... but I'm fat.
I work well with children.... but I'm fat.
I have good taste in clothes.... but I'm fat.
I am very crafty.... but I'm fat, etc.

It seems that sometimes my fatness trumps every other positive thing about myself and my person.  When it comes to meeting new people, potential friends, or young men the shadow of 'but I'm fat' crowds out my mind.  From my perspective it does not seem to matter how awesome I am because my fatness will ultimately turn people away from me, especially people I'd like to date.  This is all my internal monologue; no one has ever actually said anything to me like this.

Sometimes I use my fatness as a reason why other people do not like me.  It excuses everything else about me, both good and bad.  When someone rejects me it may be because I was rude, or tried too hard,  they didn't get my sense of humor, or we just didn't have chemistry.  (Or maybe they liked me just fine but they were thinking about other things/people/pets/Arbor Day, etc) and I never question my own behavior but instead blame the other person for holding my fatness against me. 

See what I do there?  I let my fatness enable me to excuse my behavior and place blame on another person rather than being introspective.

Now, fat prejudice does exist and is rampant in this country but I am not a statistic.  I am an individual. 

And I can do better.

Like Oprah says, once you know better, you do better.


Sabrina said...

I think this very brave and truthful post was great Elizabeth! I really do! Our mental self-talk gets in the way SO many times. People and especially women let a lot of "buts" clutter our reality. You are doing so much to improve your health.....celebrate that:)

annie said...

I think this can be true about so many insecurities we have about ourselves. If someone looks at me funny in a store, or is rude to me in line, I don't assume it's because I've got tissue paper on my foot or because I've accidentally cut in front of them in line. I assume it's because I have acne or I'm wearing gym shorts instead of the latest trends. Typing all that out feels ridiculous -- because it is -- but it's also true! Our brains have so much control over how we respond... I love that last Oprah quote, and I think it's true: if we think better about ourselves, I really do believe it will show outwardly.