Dead Like Me

Dead Like Me.... anyone watch it?

It used to be on Showtime a few years ago and stars one of my absolute favorite actors, Mandy Patinkin.

The premise is that a young woman, George, dies in the first episode and then finds out that she's been chosen to be a Reeper (a Grim Reeper) and escort souls from the living to the next stage.

It is a great show.  It only lasted two seasons but it is incredibly clever in a dark, sordid kind of way. 

It's on Netflix instant view right now; check it out.

But I'm fat....

As a heavy person I often let the heaviness of being fat determine my mood and attitude.  Whenever I am facing major issues of self-doubt the phrase 'but I'm fat' always makes a major appearance.  It's amazing how many accomplishments the phrase 'but I'm fat' negates.

I have a Master's Degree.... but I'm fat.
I'm a very good teacher.... but I'm fat.
I work well with children.... but I'm fat.
I have good taste in clothes.... but I'm fat.
I am very crafty.... but I'm fat, etc.

It seems that sometimes my fatness trumps every other positive thing about myself and my person.  When it comes to meeting new people, potential friends, or young men the shadow of 'but I'm fat' crowds out my mind.  From my perspective it does not seem to matter how awesome I am because my fatness will ultimately turn people away from me, especially people I'd like to date.  This is all my internal monologue; no one has ever actually said anything to me like this.

Sometimes I use my fatness as a reason why other people do not like me.  It excuses everything else about me, both good and bad.  When someone rejects me it may be because I was rude, or tried too hard,  they didn't get my sense of humor, or we just didn't have chemistry.  (Or maybe they liked me just fine but they were thinking about other things/people/pets/Arbor Day, etc) and I never question my own behavior but instead blame the other person for holding my fatness against me. 

See what I do there?  I let my fatness enable me to excuse my behavior and place blame on another person rather than being introspective.

Now, fat prejudice does exist and is rampant in this country but I am not a statistic.  I am an individual. 

And I can do better.

Like Oprah says, once you know better, you do better.

Scales

.from here.

I thought this picture was awesome.  Someone took the time to write a good message on to their scale; applause.

Things are going well with my new experiment with hunger.  I feel that I am eating less, but again, I'm not counting calories so I'm not really sure if that's true or not and if so by how much.  I think I am eating less in the evenings.  The scale is being kind but I must remind myself that not all progress, in fact most progress, cannot be measured by the scale.  I know that my cardio is great, my abs are getting stronger, pilates even after only two weeks is getting easier or at least more tolerable.  I also feel smaller, more athletic. 

In addition to getting ready for the trip physically there has been some gear to purchase.  I thought about hiking in my sneakers but my dad would have none of that.  So this weekend we bought some hiking boots.  They are just about the ugliest things I've ever worn, like wearing little tugboats on my feet.  I also had to buy some wool socks to wear with them.  They cost $20!  For one pair!  Ri-dic-ulous!

I'm also going to order a new pair of shorts.  All the ones from last summer are too big now.  I also ordered a new sports bra that might be a bit more comfortable for an all day outing.  Additionally, a pair of compression shorts.

Overall I am very, very excited about this trip and cannot wait for this physical test.



New Edicts from Heather

Heather, my nutritionist, and I met on Monday.  We've been meeting every two to three weeks all semester talking about what I'm eating, why I'm eating, when I'm eating, and how I feel when I eat. 

Well there's been a lot of talk about calorie counting, what works and what doesn't, what foods make me insane and what foods are 'safe' (meaning they don't trigger overeating).  Calorie counting is the bread and butter of diets (pun intended).

Well, Heather looks harmless but she's a radical.  At least with the truly radical hippies you can tell by their hair and their smell.  With little doe-eyed brunettes like Heather you cannot tell just from the visual that she's secretly harboring progressive thoughts that challenge every other idea you've ever had. 

Here's what she told me: eat when you're hungry.

She may have just as well told me that the moon was really the light source and sun merely reflected the moon's radiance, rather than the other way around.

Eat when I'm hungry?  Who does that???

She gave me a sheet of paper with a scale on it.  1 is dizzy, shaky hunger.  3 is hunger.  5 is "hey, yeah, I could eat." 10 is the equivalent of a post-Thanksgiving turkey dinner stuffed (with pie, I think 9 would be Thanksgiving without dessert). 

Well, I've been doing it since Monday morning.  It requires constant self-evaluation.  When I feel pangs of hunger I say "is that a four or a three?"  If it's a four I try to wait until I feel like it's a three then I eat.

I do believe that I'm eating less, but I'm not calorie counting, so I'm not entirely sure.  Heather wants me to walk away from calorie counting as much as possible.  In the world of losing weight this is revolutionary talk, and if this was 18th century France I'd call her actions traitorous. 

I'm not sure I trust this new methodology.  If I only ate when I was really hungry, I wouldn't be fat, right?

Well, I will update everyone on this new way of considering food.  Maybe it will work.  Maybe I'll gnaw off my own knees.  Not sure yet.

Weekly Recap

Wow.  This week is already over!

Here's a break down of this week's exercise:
Monday: zumba
Tuesday: pilates, crazy 80s (OMG pilates is hard!)
Wednesday: zumba
Thursday: pilates, crazy 80s (pilates is still hard!)
Friday: 35 minute jog, zumba

I plan on jogging 50 minutes tomorrow.

Working out twice a day is intense.  Second workout, whatever it is, is always a little less than intense because my legs/core/arms are tired. 

Another thing: working out in the morning is hard.  Every single morning this week I have set my alarm for 630 and you know how many of those mornings I actually woke up and did something?  One.

This morning I woke up, ate, watched GMA and still didn't work out until after 10 AM.  I've got to master waking up early because it was already so hot and humid this morning and it is only going to get worse.

Anyone up for wake up calls?

Big News

Well, I've been gone for such a long time.  The past few weeks have been crazy as the end of the semester rush took up all of my time.  I wrote 45 pages, took a final exam, wrote a final exam, graded them, and averaged the grades.  Then when all of that was done I drove with my parents to Kentucky to see my aunt get hooded with her PhD. 

Now it's summer and I am going to be extremely busy reading to get ready for my comp exams in the fall.  Anyone who's gone through a strenuous graduate program knows that this is mostly reading and studying.  This frees me from a rigorous class schedule, which is great because I've got big news!

I'm hiking Mt. LeConte!

Mt. LeConte is the third highest peak in the Smoky Mountain National Park.  You can only hike in or out, cars cannot drive up.  There is a lodge at the top that accomodates hikers for free (food is extra) with beds, heat, and lanterns for light.  In 2009 they added flush toilets (this was a big deal apparently as they went decades with just a privy).  On average the lodge reaches the 40s in the summer at night and it has never, ever reached 80 degrees.

I am going with the Smoky Mountain Field School, an organization run by the University of Tennessee that provides different education/recreation programs for people.  Some range to afternoons, some are all day, others, like my trip, are overnight. 

I cannot get over how excited I am about this trip.  I'll get to hike to one of the most beautiful, scenic outlooks in the Eastern United States.  I get to challenge myself.  I get to camp.  I get to meet new people and enjoy a completely new experience.  I get to break away from technology for a weekend.  I get to go to one of my favorite places in the world.

Now I have to think about getting ready for this trip.  I've been doing great with cardio.  I gained a few pounds during finals weeks but I'm working on losing those now.  What I really need to do is work on strength training of my legs and core. 

Here's the plan:
Sundays: off
Mondays: jog 40 minutes in the AM, Zumba in the PM
Tuesdays: Pilates class, Crazy 80s cardio class
Wednesdays: jog 50 minutes in the AM, Zumba in the PM
Thursdays: Pilates class, Crazy 80s cardio class
Friday: Zumba
Saturday: Jog 60 minutes and optional yoga class

I'll also try to squeeze in some squats everyday day, also, walking more when I walk the dog and not shirking the hills in my neighbordhood.  If I can I'll also need to add some tricep/bicep work.

I have five weeks.

Five weeks to get ready for one of the most physically strenous activities of my life.  I've been keeping up pretty well with my cardio but it's no secret that I abhor strength and core training.  I'll have to be a lot more agressive than my Whittle My Middle challenge.  Pilates is going to create a lot of core strength and it will be good to do some of the two-a-days as it will allow me to expand my cardio endurance.

I am sincerely looking forward to this challenge and the reward of climbing Mt. LeConte.