Feeling almost like at home

This morning I got to church and discovered that most of my Sunday school class was sitting together.  I think this was all accidental and organic but I really needed it.  I'm a single person and I don't have any family at the church I attend in Tallahassee.  Worshipping in Tallahassee is a very different experience then what I wrote about last week where this one place feels like my whole past.  At the church I attend in Tallahassee I often sit by myself.  I sit near or around the same place every week and people always ask me the vague question of how I'm doing and often they ask if I'll graduate soon (no, I won't). 

But this morning I had a place to sit.  A place that I made my own with a group of people who, even though I'm not close with them, made me feel as close to belonging as possible.  They knew my name and visited with me. 

It meant so much to me that I actually went back tonight for evening worship services, or what I call 'round two.'  I hadn't been to evening services in ages.  For months I'd been going to small group Bible study but that's on hiatus for the summer.  Before that I went to Sunday night yoga classes which I believed were as edifying as evening service (they were then, but I don't think I'd find them that way now).  The evening service was 90% singing and I really needed that.  I told the minister, half-jokingly, that if every evening service was singing I would never, ever miss. 

I've been praying a lot lately for a more personal relationship with God and been asking a lot if God actually knew me, if he knew what I was doing and if he thought about me.  If he cared in the very intimate details of my life, not just the love and the salvation and the heaven, which are all grace-filled gifts, but I wanted to know if he actually knew what I was doing on any given day.  And what's more, I wanted to know if it mattered to him, if I mattered to him a daily basis. 

Today I felt like some parts of those questions were answered.  In the yoga studio there is a quote about how the spring bud blooms in stages, how it unfolds in its exact moment and not a moment before.  And it doesn't just burst open, it opens with purpose and timing.  Today I felt like some of my own petals were being opened, even if it was just a little bit.

I'm grateful for that.

Catch-up post

What day are we on now?  11, 12, 13, 14?  So I'm behind on my posts but that's only because I've been having such a good time this week. 

On the fourth a bunch of us from CF Tally got together at the box and celebrated with beer and WODs.  We grilled elk burgers and there was plenty of great food.  We blew up a lot of stuff in the back and eventually watched the fireworks at Tom Brown Park.  Really, I can't remember the last time I had that much fun on the fourth of July. 

On Thursday Brandon and I went to see Tab Benoit, a blues musician, at a venue here in town.  Neither of us knew anything about him before we went to the show but we both enjoyed it.  Benoit is from Louisiana and kind of had this whole 'Creole I eat crawfish for breakfast and I'm extra awesome and you will dance to my sultry music' kind of vibe. 

Friday night really deserves it own post.  Let's just say that I'm being treated very well.

So, all of this kind of comes down to a post about fun and friends.  Spending time with people you care about, people who make you laugh, people you want to be around, well those things are renewing.  They're not just a breath of fresh air, they're like dunking yourself in a cool mountain stream: a jolt to the soul.

I'm grateful for this week.

Day 10

Yesterday I drove up to a part of southwest Georgia to spend some time with B.  I hadn't seen him for more than a week because of a commitment he had.  The plan was that I would cook dinner for us (macaroni and cheese and it was incredible) and then we would see a movie.  It was a great date and we both had a lot of fun.  But one of the things I was most excited about, because I'm sentimental, is that I made a point to show him this tiny little ol' blog of mine.

You see, he has his own blog which I found very early on when we first started to date.  I found it and read it without his permission, not that he minded.  It was a blog, online for everyone to see. 

Just like mine is supposed to be.

Well, I was reading his blog and there were little bits and pieces of stuff that I didn't know or hadn't heard about- yet.  Nothing big, all average stuff.  But part of me felt left out and that hurt my feelings.  Then I had a bit of an epiphany: what if I was letting B feel left out and hurt too, but my decision was purposeful because I had excluded him from the blog.

Well, I hated that he might be feeling as hurt as I was (turns out he wasn't) and that had to stop.

So yesterday while I was cooking dinner I gave him the link and let him read until he fell asleep to his heart's content.

Turns out it was no big deal.  Also, now I don't feel like I'm being secretive.

So yesterday's positivity post is that now the blog really is truly and purposefully public.  I'm grateful  for that, it needed to happen, and I feel a bit silly for postponing it.

Days 8 and 9, University City coC

After yoga class on Saturday I packed my car with all my dirty clothes, my adorable dog, and headed home.  I hadn't been home since before my pilgramage up north and really missed my parents.

The home my parents live in now is not the home(s) I grew up in as a child.  It feels like home because my parents are there but one of the most significant reasons it feels like home is because I get to go to what I consider my home church- University City church of Christ. 

There is something like going to your home church that is very restorative.  I feel like I did my more of my 'growing in the spirit' at University City than anywhere else.  I love it not because the sermons are great (they are) or the singing is amazing (sometimes it is, sometimes it's just average).  I go because somewhere inside University City is my history. 

My parents met at UC, got married there, I was brought there as a child.  Those people there know me.  They knew me as Betsy Dean, most of the older men and women still call me that.  They know me as an adult.  They went to my sister's wedding, my grandfather was baptized there.  It's probably the place that knows me best.  Those people have seen me at my weakest moments, they care for me, they love me.  They have known me through all of my life there is something about that intimacy that makes going back there renewing to my spirit. 

If there is a place where my history lives, where it lives that is beyond my parents' hearts, it is inside University City church of Christ.

Days 6 and 7

Last night I didn't really have time to post because I was too busy having awesome friends over at my house.  Charlie and Ana are great girls that I know from CF Tally and over the past six months I have become close to them in a very specific kind of way.  CF breeds a very unique kind of trust- not necessarily an emotional vulnerability from pouring your heart to someone but a different kind of risk.  You're letting these people see you sweat and grunt and scream.

And fail.  Sometimes your body doesn't do what you think it can and you bail on the weight.  Or you fall or you cry or you throw up. 

Or maybe you just want throw up.

But sometimes you win.  Sometimes you reach a personal best and these people, like Charlie and Ana, are your witnesses.  They high-five you and recognize that you just did something amazing.  They see you do the things that you had no idea that you could do.  And you see it in them too.  They see your body change and your mind develop into someone you only really recognize when you're at CF and with these people. 

Really, it's pretty awesome.  So for days 6 and 7 my positivity post is about how these people are witnessing changes in me I never knew about and it is incredible.

And I am their witness as well.

Day 5- Some Nights

Day five: this song is great.  The video is a bit bizarre (okay, it's very weird).  However, the song is great.  The chorus reads as follows:
"But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know... (come on)"

Something about those lyrics really sit well with me right now.

Today I went to hot yoga and later to CrossFit.  I've also kept Paleo for the past two days and I feel awesome, albeit hungry sometimes.  My friend Charlie gave me some protein power to drink for times when I need a pick-me-up. 

Good friends.

Day Four

I am grateful for today's WOD (Workout of the Day at CF).  It was ab work, overhead squats and sprinting.  Quick and dirty and awesome. 

Sometimes I go to CrossFit and it great and sometimes I go and it is amazing.  The atmosphere, everyone is hyping each other up, people are yelling at each other, cheering them to their best.  I love it there.  I especially love it when it's like that. 

Excellent WOD.